Can I overcome this trial?
(Wednesday, June 23, 2010/12:17 AM)
Time flies, eh? I remember just awhile ago, I was feeling bewildered yet excited when I stepped into the departure hall all myself for the first time. Fast forward, it is already my final month in Japan.
Having said that, I should be seizing my final moments in Japan to have as much fun as possible, right? Yet, a heavy burden is weighing down on my weary heart... And I have no strength to carry on...
What could potentially be a lifelong brotherhood has crumbled to become a bitter, silent dissension. A misunderstanding has escalated into a grudge. As the saying goes, "ignorance is bliss". In cases such as this, I wish I never had the God-given gift of discernment...
He continues to greet me with a smile but I know behind the facade, things are not the same anymore. Confronted with hypocrisy, I was consumed with anger.
I didn't want to look like a sucker by initiating a reconciliation for the umpteen time. So, I chose the cool way out and acted as if I didn't need his friendship. He, on his part, wanted to prove to me that he's doing fine without me in his life. Lamenting the fragility of human relationships, for a moment, the devil had victory over my entire being.
I was tempted by the evil one to post derogatory comments on FB to spite him, but the lingering presence of the Holy Spirit hindered me from doing so. I'm a person with strong moral beliefs, but my lack of spiritual discipline would eventually lead me to the ruins.
I thank God for a fellow Singaporean sister-in-Christ, but most importantly, a fervent Christian girlfriend. Their words and advice offer me spiritual comfort. My sanity is kept intact despite the pain.
I have been too far away from God, and I cannot hear Him anymore. Despite so, I made a prayer to Him and I have hope in my heart that He is listening and He is guiding me back to the path which I have strayed from. I release the resentment which I have been harboring in my heart into His merciful hands.
Having said that, I should be seizing my final moments in Japan to have as much fun as possible, right? Yet, a heavy burden is weighing down on my weary heart... And I have no strength to carry on...
What could potentially be a lifelong brotherhood has crumbled to become a bitter, silent dissension. A misunderstanding has escalated into a grudge. As the saying goes, "ignorance is bliss". In cases such as this, I wish I never had the God-given gift of discernment...
He continues to greet me with a smile but I know behind the facade, things are not the same anymore. Confronted with hypocrisy, I was consumed with anger.
I didn't want to look like a sucker by initiating a reconciliation for the umpteen time. So, I chose the cool way out and acted as if I didn't need his friendship. He, on his part, wanted to prove to me that he's doing fine without me in his life. Lamenting the fragility of human relationships, for a moment, the devil had victory over my entire being.
I was tempted by the evil one to post derogatory comments on FB to spite him, but the lingering presence of the Holy Spirit hindered me from doing so. I'm a person with strong moral beliefs, but my lack of spiritual discipline would eventually lead me to the ruins.
I thank God for a fellow Singaporean sister-in-Christ, but most importantly, a fervent Christian girlfriend. Their words and advice offer me spiritual comfort. My sanity is kept intact despite the pain.
I have been too far away from God, and I cannot hear Him anymore. Despite so, I made a prayer to Him and I have hope in my heart that He is listening and He is guiding me back to the path which I have strayed from. I release the resentment which I have been harboring in my heart into His merciful hands.
In Your strength will I break through, Lord
posted by MightyFlameboy. shoot me? | 0 shot me.
All's well... :)
(Thursday, June 17, 2010/11:41 PM)
One major conflict resolved! (^-^) But another conflict lingers on and which would never seem to cease... Conflicts, misunderstanding, distrust are inevitable when a bunch of international students with vastly different way of life and thinking try to live in harmony. I just need to stop being a SNAG (Sensitive New Age Guy) and focus on the more important issues at hand - experiencing the Japanese culture in its authenticity!
First dinner gathering with my lovely Japanese host family!
First dinner gathering with my lovely Japanese host family!Everyone is crazy about World Cup these days. I mean it's understandable. It happens only once every 4 years and famous players from all over the world pit their skills against one another.
But I don't know... I just don't feel anything about it. I even got my masculinity questioned by a friend cos' "soccer is in the blood of men" haha! Maybe the rumor that tofu produces estrogen is true in some sense? I don't like soccer. I don't care about sports cars. I prefer strawberry ice-cream over chocolate. I prefer the color red over blue or black. I LIKE TEDDY BEARS! =P
Yet, I am secure in myself to say that I'm more man than what society defines to be a 'man'. I feel that true masculinity is the purity and integrity of character, unwavering amidst the winds of change. God made me just the way I am and I have no desire to conform to become someone else.
But I don't know... I just don't feel anything about it. I even got my masculinity questioned by a friend cos' "soccer is in the blood of men" haha! Maybe the rumor that tofu produces estrogen is true in some sense? I don't like soccer. I don't care about sports cars. I prefer strawberry ice-cream over chocolate. I prefer the color red over blue or black. I LIKE TEDDY BEARS! =P
Yet, I am secure in myself to say that I'm more man than what society defines to be a 'man'. I feel that true masculinity is the purity and integrity of character, unwavering amidst the winds of change. God made me just the way I am and I have no desire to conform to become someone else.
posted by MightyFlameboy. shoot me? | 0 shot me.
The sting of love...
(Sunday, June 6, 2010/10:17 PM)
I promised not to talk about my girlfriend on my blog, given our circumstances... But I just need something, somewhere to pour my woes onto, and there can be no better place than right here on my own blog...
In a short span of 3 weeks of our relationship, we had 2 major conflicts. And both arose due to lack of proper communication. She's not telling me honestly how and what she feels, and thus I try too hard to communicate with her, and she thinks I'm imposing my will on her.
Never knew that love can be so tough... and painful... :'( I used to be a stoic guy i.e. believing that a real man doesn't shed tears, until I met God and wept in His presence. But crying in agony for a girl... That's something new to me...
We agreed to iron out our differences on Thurs but till then, she wants to keep a distance between us. I've grown too dependent upon her. Meeting her for dates every 2-3 days, keeping my fingers busy messaging her throughout the day. Thus, I reckon it's gonna be excruciating 4 days ahead... =(
I also got myself entangled in my best guy buddy's love matters (not as a third party, but as a busybody mediator, however I believe my interventions have eased misunderstandings between him and the girl and now, they've become a couple too) and incurred his wrath. We've made peace but I know he would never trust me anymore. We used to go to each other's rooms to chat regularly, and there was zilch for this whole week.
Remember I dissed the students who didn't dare venture beyond their country's clique? I bumped into a bunch of Hong Kong friends just now and envy crept into my sullen heart. I realize how pathetically vulnerable I am despite believing that I've become stronger through the trials which I had gone through in 2009.
Singaporean dinner with an elderly Japanese couple who stayed in Singapore for 20+ years
In a short span of 3 weeks of our relationship, we had 2 major conflicts. And both arose due to lack of proper communication. She's not telling me honestly how and what she feels, and thus I try too hard to communicate with her, and she thinks I'm imposing my will on her.
Never knew that love can be so tough... and painful... :'( I used to be a stoic guy i.e. believing that a real man doesn't shed tears, until I met God and wept in His presence. But crying in agony for a girl... That's something new to me...
We agreed to iron out our differences on Thurs but till then, she wants to keep a distance between us. I've grown too dependent upon her. Meeting her for dates every 2-3 days, keeping my fingers busy messaging her throughout the day. Thus, I reckon it's gonna be excruciating 4 days ahead... =(
I also got myself entangled in my best guy buddy's love matters (not as a third party, but as a busybody mediator, however I believe my interventions have eased misunderstandings between him and the girl and now, they've become a couple too) and incurred his wrath. We've made peace but I know he would never trust me anymore. We used to go to each other's rooms to chat regularly, and there was zilch for this whole week.
Remember I dissed the students who didn't dare venture beyond their country's clique? I bumped into a bunch of Hong Kong friends just now and envy crept into my sullen heart. I realize how pathetically vulnerable I am despite believing that I've become stronger through the trials which I had gone through in 2009.
Singaporean dinner with an elderly Japanese couple who stayed in Singapore for 20+ yearsHow would things have turned out if I played safe and invested more time and effort in my Singaporean friends and international students whom I am well-acquainted with? I would be consistently happy, but wouldn't achieve anything which furthers my future in Japan.
It doesn't mean I don't care about them. They're definitely friends whom I would like to stay connected with when I'm back in Singapore. I've been moving into denial of my identity as a Singaporean (I would refer to Singaporeans as "them" sometimes), but these wonderful people reminded me of the redeeming qualities of a Singaporean.
No matter how tough, no matter how painful, I will continue to press on and engage the risk bravely. I can't just stop after doing so much so far... Please keep me in your prayers, guys... :)
It doesn't mean I don't care about them. They're definitely friends whom I would like to stay connected with when I'm back in Singapore. I've been moving into denial of my identity as a Singaporean (I would refer to Singaporeans as "them" sometimes), but these wonderful people reminded me of the redeeming qualities of a Singaporean.
No matter how tough, no matter how painful, I will continue to press on and engage the risk bravely. I can't just stop after doing so much so far... Please keep me in your prayers, guys... :)
posted by MightyFlameboy. shoot me? | 0 shot me.