I'm becoming an emo-kid =S
(Saturday, February 28, 2009/2:29 PM)
I thought things might take a turn for the better after beginning consultations with my psychiatrist, starting afresh in the church choir ministry, but it seems as if it's going downhill instead?
Perhaps, the church acquaintance whom I mentioned a few posts back about bluntly commenting that I look like an emo-kid might be telling the truth afterall. Even I, myself, feel as if I'm becoming more and more emo. =S
I'm just feel so disappointed and weary as I invest into other people's lives and yet I'm not receiving the same amount of investment. I know it's not their fault and I don't blame them. Maybe it's cos' of my boring personality. Or maybe it's just cos' they have better friends. Afterall, everyone has the right and freedom to choose whom they should invest their time and effort in. But somehow, I subconsciously get a feeling of frustration and rejection. I really hate this feeling.
In NUS, gals are usually in their own worlds and guys are trying too hard to impress the gals. (Just a generalization! Don't feel offended if u're my friend from NUS, cos' I might not be referring to u =P) In church, I'm surrounded by hypocrites and act-cool wannabes.
I'm beginning to regret my choice to study in NUS. If I had chosen NTU instead, I would be back in my comfort zone, since most of my cliques from sec school and JC are studying there. But I believe everything happens for a reason. It's just that I can't see what God's plans are in stored for me in this school. Yet...
As I went for my first choir practice on Tuesday, I saw so many act-cool wannabes, I really felt like puking. Decked out in accessories, with big belts and stylish caps. I even saw one army guy proudly wearing his blue beret (service support, mind u. If it was a red Commandos beret, I would understand a lil' bit more). I mean... C'MON! It's a friggin' choir practice in the most heartland-ish of all heartlands in Singapore, Jurong friggin' West Extension!
I know we should dress up to honour God, but is that really their intention? Or do they just want to impress members from the opposite sex? God knows... Furthermore, some dudes are really rowdy as if they owned the place. But I was lucky to get acquainted with Desmond through KC though. He seems like a genuinely nice guy. =)
I'm not referring to my beloved CG W429 of cos'! =) Entering a new CG next month is yet another challenge for me...
So, I guess, the only way to deter me from having such pessimistic thoughts, I've decided to shut myself down emotionally. Don't worry guys, I'm not becoming super emo! =) Probably would only apply this to those people who aren't appreciating my investment in their lives.
Rather than unnecessarily yearning for their attention and affection as a reward for my friendship, I've decided to heck them and try to live life as naturally as possible even if they're not in the picture.
I've tried this 'distancing' method on some of my friends in the past, and it worked out great. We're not best of friends, but at least we have lesser frictions, and can get along comfortably now. Seems like it's time to deploy this strategy again...
Got a darn flu since Tues choir practice too. It's kinda tough maintaining a strong front when even my family doesn't understand my predicament. Sigh... Sometimes, I really feel a strong urge to let go of everything here in Singapore, migrate to Japan, start a clean slate where no one knows me. Oh well...
As long as God is real to me, I'll live life bravely
posted by MightyFlameboy.
shoot me? | 0 shot me.